This is a hard post to write. I may not even post it publicly. This may be one of those posts I tuck away and pull out later after the raw emotion of it has passed.
I’m scared to have surgery. I’m scared for my husband and my kids. I’m scared that I won’t wake up. I’m scared to lose an organ. I’m scared that I’m not strong enough. I’m scared to let people down who are counting on me to be strong.
I’m overwhelmed by all of the tests. I’m overwhelmed by the amount of trips to St Louis… Trips that take time and money and energy. I’m overwhelmed by all of the responses to this blog… Even though a majority of them are welcomed with open arms. I’m overwhelmed by the kindness & the curiosity. I’m overwhelmed by the questions and the comments. But, I am so thankful too.
I’m tired. I stay awake at night thinking about all of this and it feels like it’s all so much bigger than me. It feels like I’m carrying the weight of this with me and I don’t have anyone who has been there to talk me down. I need a kidney donor friend. I need someone who has donated an organ that’s been in this place emotionally. But I’m too scared to reach out.
I made this choice. And I want to follow through. I don’t doubt my decision. I’m just having a rough moment that I need to work through. Maybe I need to hit the gym and have a long talk with God. I definitely need to pray more.