This is a hard post to write. I may not even post it publicly. This may be one of those posts I tuck away and pull out later after the raw emotion of it has passed.

I’m scared.
I’m overwhelmed.
I’m tired.

I’m scared to have surgery. I’m scared for my husband and my kids. I’m scared that I won’t wake up. I’m scared to lose an organ. I’m scared that I’m not strong enough. I’m scared to let people down who are counting on me to be strong.

I’m overwhelmed by all of the tests. I’m overwhelmed by the amount of trips to St Louis… Trips that take time and money and energy. I’m overwhelmed by all of the responses to this blog… Even though a majority of them are welcomed with open arms. I’m overwhelmed by the kindness & the curiosity. I’m overwhelmed by the questions and the comments. But, I am so thankful too.

I’m tired. I stay awake at night thinking about all of this and it feels like it’s all so much bigger than me. It feels like I’m carrying the weight of this with me and I don’t have anyone who has been there to talk me down. I need a kidney donor friend. I need someone who has donated an organ that’s been in this place emotionally. But I’m too scared to reach out.

I made this choice. And I want to follow through. I don’t doubt my decision. I’m just having a rough moment that I need to work through. Maybe I need to hit the gym and have a long talk with God. I definitely need to pray more.


2 responses »

  1. God is WAY bigger than all of this! Next time you go outside(like outside city limits) Stop! Look all around you… look at the trees, the grass, the hills, the animals, the people…look at Jami… Everything. God created it ALL for you and for me! I think if he is big enough to creat such a beautiful place… he is for sure big enough to tackle your fears. I cant imagine what your going through but i proimse its worth it. God has a plan for everyone, even though at times it may seem un clear or painful… its his plan! Mark 9:23 says: And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” I truly appreciate you! Jami means alot to our family… and she means everything to Jae and me! Thanks so much for being such a blessing! Hang in there… Gods got a plan! 🙂 Your a trooper!

    • Well said steph! Love you girls! This is tricky for me. I want to be there and support my friend yet I am the reason she needs support. I would And will never force my opinon or will on her. She has to make peace within herself. I will listen if she wants to scream, laugh when she needs a joke and i will ALWAYS be there for 3 am waffles. I know that we have the love and support of many but ultimately we have eachother. And we can do this! We are the strongest b*tches I know! 🙂

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